January (c)

By Sonja Greene

This afternoon, the first day of a new year –
I’m sitting on that old trunk in your room, staring out the window, observing
two squirrels frolicking in the thawing snow
​and they fascinate me simply because their lives seem so simple,
unlike yours and mine
and I realize that I may be the reason, definitely not the sole reason, but perhaps a significant reason as to why we are so complicated
and I sincerely wish that we could run around, frolicking between the trees, ours boots crunching on the fresh frost as we play, giddily –
the way we used to walk and play on the occasional excursion, like at Van Cortladnt Park or
my living room on Duncan,
or maybe we could sit in front of the fireplace, sipping cognac, getting lost in the throes of casual, uncomplicated conversation.

A blue jay flew up and sat in the pine tree next to me, just outside your window, our eyes met –
and it made me think back to when I used to look at the oak tree outside my window, listening to the robins chirp their songs –
they would always draw my mind to you.

I’m still sitting on that old trunk, silently watching you hop around the room – like that blue jay
as you clean and organize your papers and candles –
I guess desire can turn even the strongest of men into helpless children,
because right now I am trying to resist the call of the memories, as they flicker like flames,
memories made right here in this room,
that keep me craving you – right now, in this moment,
​your pink socks,
​your black sweatpants,
​your ivory sweater, and
that black wrap that you have around your head –

I’m a sucker for simplicity
and I find you simply breathtaking,
it’s such an old feeling, thinly disguised as new, my heartbeat
​quickens with déjà vu –

It’s all déjà you –
because it’s funny how now we’ve moved to your living room and there is
a conversation born out of your silence, you smile as I get voted off the island –
another epiphany that fills this time of the year with an all-too-familiar despair, but
closure is like rain,
the deluge that ensues in tormenting torrents of pain
it’s catharsis for a mind and soul on the mend
teetering the line of insanity, about to bend and possibly break for the sake of an icy heart
until an unexpected hope sparked, leaving all that has been known in part invoking the Medici –
now I am truly whole –
and I don’t need you!
not in my heart, not in my head,
not in my soul, not in my bed – instead I now
see life beyond our lies –
mine about my needing you to care and
yours about your ever really being here –

I choose to use my power to perceive
as a tool to rejoice, as opposed to grieve, to see this as my beginning, not my end
there is no reason to pretend when after thirty-one years I have finally found someone that loves me wholly
accepts every facet of my personality,
​loves me jobless,
while I’m flat on my face,
does not judge me or snub her nose, then label it friendship,
someone interested in knowing me,
embraces my love and poetry, is not swayed either way about a check
and we connect on the physical, the metaphysical levels, similar enough to share eyes,
but different enough to keep it fresh and real
unlike you, she is not build up solely on sex appeal, she has a soul – and it’s so deep ~
it is so deep
and it may be true that I paid for her and my soul was the cost
but for the first time ever, in my life, I am so glad that I have lived to be your loss.